Harville Hendrix


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Women of Reddit: as a guy, what non-sexual things can I do to impress you?(r/AskReddit)

If you are in a situation where you are about to talk to a female…

…AND you are in in the middle of mentally fretting like crazy and feeling self-conscious about talking to that lady, what to say, etc, GTFO. NOW.

Seriously. Go outside. Take a deep breath of fresh air. Realize that all that desperation about having her attention is going to leak out no matter what you do and make you come off as creepy or just plain off-putting no matter what you do.

Stuff like that means you have your self-esteem wrapped up in whatever opinion a woman has about you. No woman – except the manipulative psycho bitches out there – WANTS to take on that kind of emotional responsibility for another person.

Have your own reason(s) in the first place to know you are a cool person. You are a writer, you are a builder, you are a rescuer of homeless pets… you do volunteer work at a food bank… etc. etc. etc…. you do good things for your self, and in doing so, you do good for others.

With that, you build confidence, you build positivity in your own emotional world. And when you meet THE lady, you can approach her with that strength and confidence that you have something good within yourself. Women are attracted to that.

If you can start your interaction with her with the general feeling that your world is good, and she is free to come along (or not, her loss) for the delight of the ride that you call life, then you have a wonderful place to begin to bring a woman you can love into your life.

(Hope this is good enough…)

EDIT: a day later after thinking about it for a bit…

Learn this wisdom, consider this unavoidable, hidden truth: As per two different authors (which I mention below) who are incredibly smart about how relationships work, your human brain WILL project upon your loved one (or wished-for one) the emotional aspects that you sadly either were missing from your childhood experiences, are a product of some kind of abuse or simply are just unfinished parts of you that are part of the inevitable lifetime process of becoming a whole, balanced, wise human being over time. These aspects something you can’t avoid, it’s part of being human.

So (aside from the usual biological urge to merge) when you are yearning SO deeply for the positive regard of that lady, you may be unintentionally, subconsciously projecting something deeply needy, something deeply wounded inside, and/or something simply emotionally-unfinished in your own psyche/soul. It’s THAT stuff which you may be unintentionally piling upon that unsuspecting woman you want to talk to at that moment. That’s a hell of a lot of stuff for her to deal with, whoever she is. But it’s not your fault… it’s because you are stuck with a frikkin’ human brain that works that way, especially if you have not studied how that dynamic works in the first place.

Facing THAT stuff is damned hard work, it’s something you have to face in yourself. It’s not HER job.

(BTW, If you get a dysfunctional, co-dependent woman who has her own emotional-wounding problems which she thinks she can solve by finding a man to fix, you have a relationship made in hell right there before it even starts. Be careful.)

It’s too easy to fall in the trap of thinking SHE needs to solve that problem within yourself, to think all that you need is with her attention and positive regard. It’s too easy to believe that everything will be solved just by her loving you. The excitement of the first months of a relationship can sometimes create a deceptive mask that let’s you avoid this real unavoidable truth born within every living human soul/psyche.

It’s inevitable then the real problems/baggage of the unavoidable truth WILL come up on both sides – and of course you are fighting and blaming each other for it. Underneath the conflict, neither one is aware of or understands this unavoidable truth in being human… in love, you WILL end up being attracted to whatever is unfinished, unloved or unhealed in within yourself. It’s true for her too… the relationship itself is how/why that stuff comes up, so that you can face it and both of you become better people.

If you learn to expect it to happen in the first place… you can then learn how to cope with it. Then the love you both have becomes a healing process for both of you. (But that’s a bit off-topic, I know… we were talking about guys starting a conversation with a woman in the first place.)

My original idea regarding methods how to get the sense of confidence I speak of was admittedly inadequate… it was written right when I had to close the computer and get to an appointment. The general idea of “build your own good world and then invite her in” is valid, but the methodology should not be limited to the ideas I originally came up with just off the top of my head.

If you want REAL advice on how to get from here to there, read the authors which changed my own life over a time of years and gave me wisdom: Steven Kalas and Harville Hendryx.

Steven Kalas offers an easier read… he writes columns for a major newspaper which are deeply-felt, deeply-written essays which you can take in for 5 minutes and then end up thinking about it about it for days. His columns and blog posts are easy to find on the net. Some are kinda ordinary, but keep reading until you find one that hits you between the eyes and opens your mind in new ways when thinking about relationships. He’s got some amazing perspectives to learn from.

Harville Hendryx is a book author. Go to your local library and check out every book they have by this author on their shelves. Read. Learn. Don’t go by just what few words of wisdom that I can offer in just this one Reddit post.

I am not a therapist, just someone who has been though a hell of a lot and learned a lot along the way. I owe so much to a small handful of authors who have a hell of a clue plus some smart counseling. I had to read a lot of crap to find who is honestly helpful, so I hope that this extra edit helps someone else.

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